I should be cleaning up. There are diapers on the floor and coffee cups with the dregs of my morning fix in them are sitting around, silently accusing me of domestic inadequacy.

I spent the morning watching Eden trying to roll over. This is a Big Deal. My four year old has developmental delays so I am watching Eden like a hawk. I know Eden has a bleeding disorder like my oldest. Who cares. Seriously. Bruises and swelling are a picnic compared to wondering if you will ever have a conversation with your child. Ever.

I walk a fine line. I don't want to just survive my days. It is hectic to be sure. Crazy even. I wonder if we were all 'healthy' and 'normal' (define these, please) would my days be stress free and peaceful? Probably, having nothing to compare it to, I would feel harried and unappreciated.

I do think I have a more intense appreciation for those little moments. The other day when Jude woke up he looked at me in the eyes and said 'I miss you.' He expressed an emotion. My friends are patient as I tell the story again and again, tears in my eyes. He missed me. The fact that it is wonderful and sad, too, is not lost on me.

There is a commercial on TV right now, for a learning center, where a boy hands his mother his report card, as a birthday gift, and as she starts to cry, so do I. My usual cranky cynicism is out the window. The baby is four months old now so I can't blame it on hormones. I recognize what it means to watch my child bravely struggle to master skills that come as easy as hair growth and breathing to the rest of us. At the age of two, three four years old Jude was facing his fears and working like a dog to be a part of a world with rules he could not begin to understand. Kids should not have to work hard. They should be eating popsicles and watching cartoons.

So, I walk a fine line between trying to keep things 'normal' and savoring each moment like chocolate. Feeling cheated because I can't read Jude a story and thinking I wouldn't trade the moment where he sings 'the wheels on the bus' (he did, he really did) for all the normal milestones in the world. Life is such mixture of triumph and sadness. I just don't want to miss it because I am cleaning and cooking and wishing our lives were like everyone else's.