Jude loves it when we figure out what he is saying or thinking about. He does a little dance, then holds his hands to his sides and stays very still for a second, as is to savor the joy of being known, just for a moment.
He has a new game. He closes his eyes, and reaches for me, and touches my face, like a blind person trying to feel the features of the one he loves.
"You want to know I am still here, even when you can't see me, that Mama never disappears, right?"
He does the dance, and the arm thing, and then collapses into my arms and stays there. Separation anxiety has ruled both our lives, we hate to be apart, especially for bedtime. I sit by his door while he screams for me, telling myself its for the best, he needs to do this. He has a picture of me he can look at, to remember that I do not disappear.
Sometimes it is hard for me remember. The One I Love does not disappear, He never changes, He is always there, even if I can't see or feel Him just right now.
I close my eyes, and reach out.
Are You still there? Because my mind can't hold on to the idea of you, but my heart knows what is true. And Jude falls asleep with my picture, because his heart knows I am waiting there, just outside the door.
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Hi Rebecca-
My name is Chris and I came by through Cornerstone.
I have 3 kids; one w/asperger's syndrome.
I loved your post about looking at your young self. I'll have to blog about that sometime.
I wish I could go to my younger self, especially that self about 5 years ago. I'd love to go to myself and give myself a hug and take her out for a cup of coffee. To call her everyday and see how's she's doing and tell her she's not alone.
Oh, well.
I press on towards the mark of the High Calling...
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